What If

by Olivia Bastin

Life is about decisions. The choices we make. The paths we follow. But aren’t you curious about the ‘what ifs’? What if I'd gone on a second date with that cute guy? What if I'd chosen somewhere else to move to? What if I’d studied a different language at university? Life is about decisions. The choices we make. The paths we follow. The multitude of unanswered ‘what ifs’ within our lives. So, let me tell you about one of my what if stories. Maybe it’ll make you think about yours? It starts with a girl and a boy. The girl is working at a pizza restaurant and the boy is new there!

Hugo had the most beautiful dark brown eyes I’d ever seen. I’d gotten a job at my local Italian restaurant- La Vita e Bella - three months ago. When I decided I needed a part-time job, it was the first place I went. To be fair, they made good pizzas. My favorite was the Capri. Parma ham, green olives, sun-blushed tomatoes and creamy goat's cheese. My friends and I came here all the time. It was our place. I can remember all the times we’d laughed, joked, talked about our hopes and dreams and shared good food. So, this was a development. I didn’t know they’d been hiring.

One day, I walked into the kitchen to pick up the bruschetta was delivering to table 9. He was just standing there looking confusedly around the chaotic kitchen, arms slacking at his sides. I assumed it was his first day on the job.

“Hi, I’m Esme can I help you?”

“Yeah, I was just looking for the forks!”

I remembered how panicked I had been my first week, my hands shaking so much I once dropped a heaping plate of pasta on the kitchen floor. His voice was deep, and he had a slight accent. His jet-black hair was slightly tousled as if he’d run his fingers through his hair. Natalia, one of my coworkers, noticed me staring and rolled her eyes at me over his shoulder. I just blushed.

Each day during our breaks we’d chat. I’d feel a bit nervous, but he had this reassuring grin he’d always flash me. He was from London, but his parents had moved to the UAE two years ago. They loved it and he spoke Arabic which I thought was super cool. During the breaks sometimes he’d bring his guitar and play “Hey Zina” and “Shou Helou.” He taught me a couple of chords- E-minor and major, but my favorite one was G. He had a younger brother, but they weren’t that close. He enjoyed horror movies which I didn’t and played football on the weekends. One day Natalia, Karen, Hugo and I all played Uno during our break. Hugo decided to be on my team although one else was on teams. He'd pass me the cards underneath the table whilst brushing my hand. We both kept smirking at each other whilst Karen seemed slightly exasperated Natalia smirked. Another time we all hung out in town. He demonstrated the traditional Spanish greeting and kissed me on both cheeks. My cheeks stayed cherry red for a week. We went to the cinema and saw the new Divergent. Although it wasn’t great, we counted shoulders and that made it worth it.

Then he decided to move back to the UAE. He’d got a job out there. When I found out I cried for a week. I know he'd finished his degree and had been working at la Vita e Bella before starting something new. I knew he wasn’t planning on working in a pizzeria forever and neither was I. My room was covered with photos I’d cut out from Trailblazers. I was quite proud of the collage I'd made. I didn’t want to do this job forever. I wanted to teach English abroad and see the world. Yet this was the first time I'd really felt something for a guy.

He had relatives in Anstruther. He was staying there for a week before flying to the UAE. I got the bus all the way from Edinburgh. To see him. To say goodbye. I listened to Taylor Swift’s “I’d Lie” on my iPod on the drive there. When I got there, he wasn’t answering his phone. Apparently, he’d slept in. I was so worried he wasn't going to answer. He did though. I met up with him at the harbor. My face split into a massive grin. He strode towards me. Those gorgeous eyes met mine again. We said goodbye and when he walked away, I looked back. I never saw him again.

When he moved to the UAE. He texted. I answered. He called. I answered. He texted. I called. Backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. Backwards and forwards. Until he didn’t text. I didn’t answer. Until he didn’t call. I didn’t answer. Until I didn’t call. He didn’t answer. We drifted apart. It happens. Such is life. I always wondered what happened to him. Did he meet someone else? Was he happy? Did he still sometimes think about me?

What if we’d continued to text or call? What if we hadn’t drifted apart? What if life hadn’t got in the way? Sometimes I imagined myself going out and staying in the UAE with him. Meeting his parents. Realizing that he had his mother’s eyes. Learning that his favorite colour was blue. Finding out that he got on better with his younger brother than he said he did. I wonder what would have happened. But I guess I’ll never know the answer. But that doesn’t mean that the ‘what ifs’ don’t exist. Maybe they do. One way or another... Depending on how you look at it.