Silence
By Claire Rinterknecht
People tell me my eyes are green, grey, blue, a mix, none or all. People tell me I look German. People tell me I sound American.
I tell them no my eyes are like the ocean – changing
my looks are human my accent is my mother’s mixed with international schools I tell them no.
But I don’t tell them. Not really,
I smile, laugh,
tell them the three-line story of my life:
American mom.
Papa français.
Grew up here.
Ohhh I’ve never met one like you
– they say.
What haven’t they met? A hybrid, an object of fascination: a two-tongued beast and a smiling girl?
Je me suis reprise.
Je me suis perdue.
Tu m’as foutue dans le futur
et je t’ai es laissé dans mon passé.
I do not look like I should or sound like I should but I am here anyway.
Même si tu me dis
Que je ne devrais pas exister
J’existe quand-même
J’existe quand-même.
And the sun burns my cheeks
And the salt-air twists my hair
And I defy the world
Avec mon existence.
Yes, I defy the world –
Je défie le monde:
le monde entier.
I left, I left with one tongue
and came back with none
because two tongues occupy a body
that neither understand
and I am split apart
every time I open my mouth
each time it is a choice
a choice between two selves
and yet
no matter what
I never
choose
Me.
I have not found my tongue yet, I do not know what it means to be
u (c) n (o) d (m) e (p) r (r) s (i) t (s) o (e) o d
in this parenthesized body, this splintered soul.
When we left
my mom told me
to leave
my books behind
but I wasn’t asking her
to leave behind a child;
I did not realise
it was not up to her.
One got left behind anyway.
And I am trying to find her again –
find her again and give her a home
parce que je me suis perdue
et même si je suis là de nouveau
je ne la trouve pas.
Je ne la trouve pas
dans les rues
ou sur les plagues
où:
she ran avec her brothers
and chased seagulls avec Brooklyn.
Deux langues, two tongues. Mais on n’a pas deux langues on a deux langues, finalement.
Two langues, deux languages. Stuffed into one langue, une tongue.
And I sit here
dans le silence
de ce corps
en morceaux.
And I sit here
dans le silence
de deux langues
qui ne s’entendent pas.
And I sit here
in this deafening
Silence
Silence.